We are still here.

Life here has just been soooo busy the last few weeks.  Honestly, I haven't even checked email daily, maybe only every third day or so.  I know some of you have just given up on me every posting again, and to tell you the truth, this one will probably be kind of random.  I threw the pics on first, so if that is what you are really interested in, you can just look at them again and quit reading right here. 

For the rest of you, I just need to get some things off my mind, and since my husband is watching the Cowboys right now, you all get to be the recipients.  (Honestly, he's heard a lot of it already anyway.)

First I want to start with the good:  God is faithful.  We are seeing some good improvements with Shelby.  Is it all we want to see by now?  No, but life is hard, and God has never been inclined to follow my timeline.  She has started understanding so much more of what we are saying to her, which is actually wonderful to see her be able to follow small requests or commands.  We are using more and more signing with her and insisting that she sign to us more now instead of whining/crying.  On Labor day, I was doing laundry, and she actually came to me and signed "More" which I could tell was her way of asking for food.  So I signed and said back, "Hungry? Want to eat?"  to which she squealed and ran right to the kitchen.  I was way beyond thrilled, to say the least.  That she could come to me at 11:45 when I was doing a different activity and communicate to me her need is just soooooooooooooo far beyond where she was when we brought her home 3 months ago!  Another "accomplishment":  at church this morning, she walked by herself into her class with no tears, whining, or fear.  Really not even much of a look back at Mom.  When we came in to pick her up, she smiled real big at us and did her "happy" wiggle with clapping and then just kept on playing with what she was playing with, in no apparent hurry to leave.  Her security is really improving especially with things that have become a familiar part of her life, church, grandparents' homes, etc.

So good things but small steps that are so hard to explain to people. Why is it so easy to gloss things over and not be real with people?  Is it because I feel like I'm the only wierdo with problems and mixed up feelings about my life?  Am I afraid they are judging me, and for Pete's sake, why do I even care if they are?

 Many people with good intentions ask how we are adjusting, how things are going?  Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what they want to hear.  I think they want a shined-up, condensed version like we brought home this little cutie who we "saved" from abandonment and she is so thankful that everything is just peachy.  Sometimes the truth is, she stiffens when I try to hug her.  When we are up in the night, I really lose it after two or three hours of trying to soothe her with every idea that I know to do, so I've learned to shut off the monitors, close her door, and go back to bed so I don't do something I regret later (yes, sleep is my issue).  My house has not been clean all summer, and frankly, it's even gotten so bad some weeks that it smells bad.  Even worse, half the time, I just don't care.  I hate it that I really don't think she associates me with her "mamamama" chanting.  And many days it's really really hard not to compare her to other kids her age and focus on all the things she is not able to do.  Often I wonder if I was the right choice to be her mother because the bonding process has been slow, and I still don't have all the lovey-dovey feelings and usually don't know what to do or what she wants. 

Adoption. Parenting.  I longed for it.  Was I prepared?  I thought so.  Is it easy? Good grief, NO, especially when one comes with a rough beginning that traumatizes her and leaves her with special needs.  Do I feel like I can say this to very many people?  NO WAY!  But it comes as such a relief to just have people that I can be real with.  I am so thankful for friends who just accept her and support us as we all are, right where we all are.  Even if it means washing all the mud off her, asking first if you can hold her, not looking at us like wierdos when we are signing to her as we are talking to her,  and laughing at my parenting faux pas like accidentally letting her fall in the toilet while giving a potty training lesson.  Thank you to the ones who said to not feel guilty about turning the baby monitor off sometimes and didn't judge me for saying that many days I felt like I was babysitting for a child I didn't know, especially in the first month.  And you don't even know how thrilled I am when you notice her little belly or thicker thighs or how much she is making eye contact with people now or walking steadier with her hands down to her sides or holding toys.  You patiently listen to my venting and my insecurities, even if I call you when you are "indisposed" or trying to get somewhere.

 I remember telling our social worker that we had a good family and friends support network for this journey, but it has been nice to see how true that has become for us this summer.  I hope you see yourself somewhere in the above ranting and can feel my appreciation for you.  Thanks for coaching me through it or reminding me that your biological child did that too. Thanks for giving us time to adjust, bringing us meals, asking us over, letting us be ourselves, quirks and all.  Thanks for patiently waiting for blog posts which I am not great at getting done for weeks (ok, months) at a time.  Thanks for not getting scared off or turned off by our adoption journey.   It's teaching me so much about God's love for us.  It humbles me to think about how much trauma and baggage I bring into God's family.  It's teaching me how we should love others.  Not 2 faced; not judgementally; not putting on facades or sticking to a surface level friendship; just accepting them where they are and trying to care about what is really going on with them.  It's teaching me I have a loooong way to go in these areas, especially in developing deep honesty and accountability in my friendships. 

I don't really know where I'm going with all this, but I hope it speaks to you somehow.  Keep praying and know that we are still here pushing forward in our journey.